Twitter Twibute By @BoyCalledAnn
Anyone who claims they've never grabbed a random object and used it as a microphone to sing to a Journey song has pants that are on fire.
— Blank. (@sarcasm_inc) June 21, 2013
I wish "queer eye for the straight guy" was still on, so i could keep pretending my girlfriend makes me watch it.
— Christopher Sweet (@kingofalltweets) June 12, 2011
Matt Damon running home after being teased on set by the other actors. "I wish I was never Bourne!" He shouts
— ＣＨＵＲＬＩＳＨ (@Cryptoterra) April 15, 2013
I just saw a Dominos ad with the tag: "Get out of your comfort zone." If you are ordering Dominos you are already comfortably in your zone.
— Wil Anderson (@Wil_Anderson) June 29, 2013
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.
— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012
James Gandolfini's finally made it through the pearly gates, after having spent 3 days explaining the ending of "Sopranos" to St Peter.
— Neal Mayhem (@RealNealMayhem) June 24, 2013
"I'll see you ladies later." ( • _ •) ( • _ •)>âŒâ– -â– (âŒâ– _â– ) *moonwalks away*
— noog (@noogscorner) July 5, 2013
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
— BAZZA_AUSTRALIA (@Barry_Australia) July 5, 2013
I thought NASCAR was just redneck for "nice car"
— ☮ krispy ✌ (@kristynhearts) July 5, 2013
You fucked up big-time, Kurt Cobain! You could have been in the Foo Fighters!
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) July 9, 2013
I DO WHATEVER I WANT WHENEVER I WANT AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T CONFLICT WITH MY KIDS’ PIANO LESSONS MUTHAFUCKA
— NotJPo (@NotJPo) July 9, 2013
If a picture says a thousand words, why do you need 22 hashtags on your Instagram photographs?
— Andy Thompson (@AndyJTee) April 30, 2013
Best part about having a history of sleep walking is being able to take a morning shit in the litter box without people thinking less of you
— Lou Sputtole (@WeissBrandon) July 1, 2013
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful.
— BAZZA_AUSTRALIA (@Barry_Australia) July 6, 2013
John Stamos should make a porno called, " Gettin' Messy with Uncle Jessie."
— Jimbabwe (@JimmyFett) June 15, 2013
Sex would be more fun if vaginas were like piñatas & candy fell out after instead of those baby things.
— Nick Toplass (@TitaniumToplass) November 26, 2011
Having sex with me is like eating too much chocolate. Before you know it I'm going straight to your ass.
— Lemmy (@lemmywinkler) June 19, 2013
Fart Roulette – Farting wearing an Ipod in a crowded place and not knowing whether it made a sound or not until you see peoples reactions.
— Bad Bad Leeroy Brown (@bdbdleeroybrown) May 11, 2011
I'm not a dog scientist or anything, but if you gave a pug a lemon, its face would come out of its asshole.
— christopher. (@fightforfood) June 19, 2013
Girls, having a hard time getting laid? Walk up to a guy and tell him you have a vagina. Bam. Sex
— Douche Canoe (@DesignerCunt) June 21, 2013
How to kill a white boy 1) Get him to lay down the boogey 2) And play that funky music till he dies
— Little Greenis (@DurtMcHurtt) February 13, 2013
Stop giving Amanda Bynes a hard time. Her mom is stranded in a hot air balloon. Let her grieve in her own way.
— Zach Heltzel (@zachheltzel) May 2, 2013
Tip: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.
— Kobayashi Maru (@CosmicHooker) June 24, 2013
Tell a girl that you "like where her head is at" then wait & say "but I'd like it better if it was on my dick" She'll fall in love with you.
— Gio (@nerdsrockk) June 25, 2013
A walrus is just a seal with a porn mustache.
— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) May 15, 2012
Why do I love being naked? Because I wasn't born into a burqa, that's why.
— BridgetPhetasy (@BridgetPhetasy) June 20, 2013
Good luck making fun of me better than I can make fun of myself.
— Brain R Cade (@iRandumbs) June 13, 2013
Guys who put down women? Leave that shit to us. No one can insult a woman like another woman. No one.
— Paige Binder (@Lpbinder) June 21, 2013
Micheal J Fox and Muhammad Ali met for the first time yesterday. They are still shaking hands....
— John Martinez (@TitansHomer) November 14, 2012
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