20 Tweets Chock-Full of Quick Wit

1.

To be fair, I'm not gonna answer that call either.

2.

Blockbuster was so close, man. Rest in peace lil bro bro.

3.

Get that demon child away from me. Please and thank you.

4.

The dude has confidence, I'll give him that. Is confidence the right word?

5.

I dunno why, but I'm just picturing Ben Franklin sending a fax.

6.

This is my nightmare airplane scenario. Do better Southwest.

7.

Bro what is happening to him. Someone get Tom the help he needs.

8.

Sounds like my kind of night.

9.

That's a heck of a deal.

10.

Y'all can't just let men be happy, can you?

11.

"Yeah I dunno babe, I've been perfect for the last 10 years."

12.

No phone number, hole-in-the-wall restaurants honestly make the best food.

13.

This is what the internet was made for.

14.

Just because it's right, doesn't mean I'm going to do it!

15.

My parents said no more, Ms. Fizzle!

16.

It's pure poetry.

17.

Guy Fieri always calls it 'Wash your sister' sauce and so I'm just going with that.

18.

He's such a talented, dynamic, inspirational, once-in-a-generation actor.

19.

Listen, after a long day of work sometimes you just need to sleep for 3-5 business years.

20.

Plugging lights into an outlet is not a personality trait.