16 Things That Aren't Discussed Before Marriage, But Should Be

1.

A few happily married folks were asked to share their advice on the most important topics to discuss as a couple before tying the knot that most partners fail to discuss. Here’s what they said:

2.

"Don’t forget sex. Do your libidos match? Who is dominant? What if one feels it and the other doesn’t? Date nights – how often and what are expectations? Specific kinks, if any? What is off limits? I know sex isn’t all a marriage is, but I can tell you from experience even the best marriage can and will fail if these things are out of sync."

3.

"I would add to discuss both sets of in-laws. How you will approach holidays with them. If you have kids, what are you boundaries with them. Also, are you planning on taking care of them when they are older. I can say that for my marriage money has been the #1 most stressful issues followed by my in-laws. When you marry your spouse you are also marrying into their family in vice versa and that need to be discussed."

4.

"It always blows my mind how many people make it to marriage before discussing kids and how to raise them. Like my husband and I had been dating for a couple weeks and were talking about being exclusive when I sat him down and was like hey. We need to have a heavy talk or there is no point. So we had take out and talked expectations, goals, and deal-breakers. And honestly, I wish that was a more socially acceptable thing to do. The vast majority of people I know would have broken up with their partner if they had tried to have a conversation like that prior to marriage talks"

5.

Careers and professional goals. Will your job require you to move frequently, work long or unusual hours, travel a lot, be in dangerous or otherwise unpleasant situations, create insecurities of some kind, etc. It’s going to affect your lifestyle and your relationships outside of work and create stressors, whether you like it or not, and both people should be on the same page about how to handle those issues. For example, if you value a lot of quality time with your partner, someone who works 70 hours a week or travels constantly might not be a good fit for you. It’s nobody’s fault and there’s nothing wrong with having different goals, but it’s something to take into account.

6.

"Debt. Upfront and honesty is muy importante and also how you, or them, plan to tackle the issue. Adding to this, spending habits."

7.

"Social expectations. I know so many couples who get offended AF that their spouse goes out without them (or won’t go with them) or wants to have a life outside of God and family. They just assumed that post-marriage they were bound at the hip."

8.

"Wedding Planning: None of it matters. Just have fun and try not to let your parents and in-laws drive you crazy. Spending more money on the wedding is never worth it. Save it for your future home or future trips and adventures. Try not to start your marriage off in debt."

9.

"My now 2nd wife introduced the idea to me early in our relationship about keeping our money separate. It was a foreign concept to me, as my parents always shared finances, and my ex-wife and I did as well. She said “I don’t want to have to ask you or feel guilty about buying a pair of shoes, and you shouldn’t have to ask me if you can buy another guitar.” Now granted, we have similar incomes so this is certainly a plus. We never, ever fight about money."

10.

"Responses to stress/tragedy. Some people have the tendency to shut down when they feel overwhelmed and some partners take it personally. Eg 'I think my husband is falling out of love with me because he’s been spending a lot of time playing video games since his dad died. He doesn’t want to talk about it.' In reality, the husband in this scenario just needs space to process and a distraction to keep him from ruminating – he doesn’t love his wife any less."

11.

"Religious views. How you will handle them with kids. It may not seem important when you are young but when you are older it can become even more important."

12.

"Pets. I grew up with dogs and cats sleeping on the bed/couches with us. I’ve had exes demand the dog not be allowed in the bedroom at all and then also kick them off the couch when we aren’t even using the living room. That’s not how I was raised. If I’m taking care of the animals needs, its going to be comfortable. It sleeps on the bed."

13.

"Yes! And how many kids! Personally, I’d prefer to have a small family with one child, but I once dated an individual who wanted six or seven. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for any more than one, and they felt that they needed at least six for their life to be complete. It was a red flag that we were incompatible."

14.

"It’s worth having a long conversation about how your families communicated when you were a child. Did they talk over each other or take turns to speak, did they shout and argue or stay calm and quiet, how did they resolve (or avoid) conflict, did family members express emotion, etc. So much of the way we communicate comes from how our family did, so talking about this as a couple really helps you understand each other."

15.

"How much time do you spend in the bathroom?"

16.

"Where to spend Christmas and new years. Your mother’s family? your father’s family? Your in-law’s families? Just the two of you together in your home?"

17.

"I once knew a couple where the wife assumed and fully expected that the husband would stop smoking weed the day after the wedding. it was weird, considering the husband smoked every day of his life and we lived in a legal state. it did not go over well. they are not divorced, but it’s a very interesting dynamic."