Dads: The Original Hipsters

1.

Your dad smoked before you did. He did not need a filter, that's what his lungs were for.

2.

Your Dad drank coffee before you did. He does not know what a fucking latte is, nor does he give a shit to find out.

3.

Your Dad sold his moped because he realized that mopeds are the training wheel equivalent for motorcycles. And training wheels will NOT get you laid.

4.

Until you have reached the level of awesomeness where Poseidon sends mermaids as peace offerings to the boat you Captain, give the cap back to dad.

5.

While you may wear a cardigan because you claim to have Fashion Sense, remember - your dad wore one to get laid.

6.

Your Dad's amp did not go up to 11, it went up to Panty Dropper and he would blast his notes into your mom's lady bits.

7.

Motorcycles were rebellious, they were dangerous, and with every throttle pull it was like your Dad was waving his dick at all socially accepted norms.

8.

Your Dad read comic books before you did. His Super Heroes were real heroes, heroes who saved the world and fucked the girl every 25 pages or so.

9.

Your Dad styled his locks with morning sexual encounters with your mom, fist fights and a touch of I Don't Give A Fuck.

10.

Your Dad was the Van Gogh of vag, the Picasso of pussy and the Warhol of getting women wet. He did not need school to be an artist and he for damn sure never practiced penis painting.

11.

Every move you make, including that slightly hunched arm dangle seizure shake you do, your Dad did first.

12.

Your dad was the king of summer, and tube socks were his crown.

13.

Your dad was the leader of the Eating Local trend. He contributed to society, and you are just a giant succubus at the teat of it. You contribute nothing, but you bitch about everything...

14.

Your dad was so fucking gnar and awesome that the things he did for fun were made illegal in public places.

15.

Your dad's awesomeness poured into that sweater first and you are tainting the fibers that once touched greatness.

16.

Your dad wore short shorts before you did, and he has the upper thigh tan lines to prove it.

17.

Your dad was Chuck Norris before Chuck Norris was, and he has the gunshot wound to the face to prove it.

18.

Your dad was grunge before grunge was grunge and he is the reason millions were inspired to turn their mid sections into human coat racks.

19.

The great outdoors were just the outdoors until your dad got there. And don't you ever forget it.