38 Funny Tweets
Donkey Kong wears a tie because that's how you get a real paying job at a construction site.
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 9, 2013
Thanks to porn, whenever a couple asks me to babysit, I never quite know what they are expecting
— Danielle Fernandez (@mydanimarie) November 11, 2012
When googling "Gary Oldman" I suggest not forgetting the "R"
— Jonathan Sadowski (@Sadowski23) February 2, 2013
hello, I'm Chris Hansen. Peach isn't here today, Mario, she's in another castle. why don't you put down that turtle shell and take a seat?
— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) July 3, 2013
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 26, 2012
if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 5, 2013
"I love you" Bono's wife says as she curls into bed next to him. "I love U2" he replies and mutters "hahahahaha owned" as he falls asleep
— kmh (@Kalarlis) May 29, 2013
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013
How to be an upstairs neighbor: » Let a deer run free in your apt » Chase it around » Put it in a headlock » Tackle it to the floor » Repeat
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) April 24, 2013
haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive? "a chair haha duh, nice try mo— it's your dog. spot's dead billy
— 8 bit fox (@8bitf0x) June 11, 2013
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) January 9, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 23, 2012
"Take Your Child to Work Day" must be awkward at the dildo factory.
— Toneloaf (@ToneLoaf) June 9, 2011
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
— Sean and Oates (@SeanINCypress) April 3, 2011
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
— JerryThomas (@JerryThomas) December 15, 2009
WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit someone died guys stop dancing
— Erica Rosie (@erica_rosie) July 1, 2012
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 9, 2013
Burger King's full name was Burger Luther King Jr.
— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) January 16, 2012
"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 13, 2013
Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 19, 2012
My new hero is the girl on the bus who, when told to smile by a creeper dude, propped up the corners of her mouth with both middle fingers.
— matt (@biorhythmist) June 5, 2013
There should be an "I'd rather die than attend this" option on Facebook invites
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 17, 2013
Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.
— Gavin (@gavinpivott) March 5, 2013
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 23, 2013
give a man a fish adn he'll thamk u for his new pet. teach a man to take care of fish adn he wil be happey adn name his goldfish after u :)
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 28, 2013
If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 20, 2013
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013
Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 7, 2013
How much Wu could a Wu Tang Clan if a Wu Tang could Clan Wu.
— Tyler Lemco (@tlemco) May 7, 2013
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) June 7, 2013
Q: How many internet teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: FUKK U LOL TROLLED U LOL U MAD YEA U MAD LOLOLOLOL
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) July 6, 2013
I know my dad is looking down on me and smiling, because he just slam dunked on me and is hanging on the rim
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 17, 2013
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 12, 2013
I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.
— Spencer Hicks (@SpencerLenox) December 3, 2011
Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.
— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) April 24, 2013
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silenty tweet about their shitty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other
— ChrisTrauma (@ChrisTrauma) June 14, 2012
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