38 Funny Tweets
1.
Donkey Kong wears a tie because that's how you get a real paying job at a construction site.
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) August 9, 2013
2.
Thanks to porn, whenever a couple asks me to babysit, I never quite know what they are expecting
— Danielle Fernandez (@mydanimarie) November 11, 2012
3.
When googling "Gary Oldman" I suggest not forgetting the "R"
— Jonathan Sadowski (@Sadowski23) February 2, 2013
4.
hello, I'm Chris Hansen. Peach isn't here today, Mario, she's in another castle. why don't you put down that turtle shell and take a seat?
— Dave Dittell (@davedittell) July 3, 2013
5.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 26, 2012
6.
if you're ever worried there's an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there's no one there
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 5, 2013
7.
"I love you" Bono's wife says as she curls into bed next to him. "I love U2" he replies and mutters "hahahahaha owned" as he falls asleep
— kmh (@Kalarlis) May 29, 2013
8.
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now. Oh wait that's not my waiter.
— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) March 21, 2013
9.
How to be an upstairs neighbor: » Let a deer run free in your apt » Chase it around » Put it in a headlock » Tackle it to the floor » Repeat
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) April 24, 2013
10.
haha ok son here's another riddle, what has 4 legs but isn't alive? "a chair haha duh, nice try mo— it's your dog. spot's dead billy
— 8 bit fox (@8bitf0x) June 11, 2013
11.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) January 9, 2013
12.
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
13.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 23, 2012
14.
"Take Your Child to Work Day" must be awkward at the dildo factory.
— Toneloaf (@ToneLoaf) June 9, 2011
15.
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
— Sean and Oates (@SeanINCypress) April 3, 2011
16.
I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
— JerryThomas (@JerryThomas) December 15, 2009
17.
WHOA HOLD UP GUYS HEAR THAT SIREN MUST MEAN A REMIX IS COMIN ON GET READY oh wait that's an ambulance oh shit someone died guys stop dancing
— Erica Rosie (@erica_rosie) July 1, 2012
18.
New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) April 9, 2013
20.
"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) January 13, 2013
21.
Whenever I see a girl with a hot boob, neat buttocks, cut hair, and a face with ALL THE MOVES I always wish I knew how to describe women.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) September 19, 2012
22.
My new hero is the girl on the bus who, when told to smile by a creeper dude, propped up the corners of her mouth with both middle fingers.
— matt (@biorhythmist) June 5, 2013
23.
There should be an "I'd rather die than attend this" option on Facebook invites
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) July 17, 2013
24.
Damn girl are you sitting on an F5 key cos that ass is refreshing.
— Gavin (@gavinpivott) March 5, 2013
25.
Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."
— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) March 23, 2013
26.
give a man a fish adn he'll thamk u for his new pet. teach a man to take care of fish adn he wil be happey adn name his goldfish after u :)
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 28, 2013
27.
If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) February 20, 2013
28.
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013
29.
Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) August 21, 2013
30.
Jenga is a great way to teach your kids about strategy, patience and 9/11
— Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) April 7, 2013
32.
*checks email* *checks Twitter* *checks Facebook* *checks Instagram* *looks up at world for 9 seconds* *repeats for 60-70 years* *dies*
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) June 7, 2013
33.
Q: How many internet teens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: FUKK U LOL TROLLED U LOL U MAD YEA U MAD LOLOLOLOL
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) July 6, 2013
34.
I know my dad is looking down on me and smiling, because he just slam dunked on me and is hanging on the rim
— Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) August 17, 2013
35.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 12, 2013
36.
I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.
— Spencer Hicks (@SpencerLenox) December 3, 2011
37.
Filling your vagina full of Skittles right before your gynecology appointment is a great ice-breaker and shows your doctor you're super fun.
— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) April 24, 2013
39.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just silenty tweet about their shitty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other
— ChrisTrauma (@ChrisTrauma) June 14, 2012
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