29 of the Fastest Ways People Have Ever Been Fired

1.

He slept with the boss's daughters — yes, daughters — the night he got hired. The real twist was that one of those daughters is now his wife, and his former boss is his mother-in-law. So, I guess he got the last laugh, and a lot of awkward family dinners.

2.

3 1/2 hours. She started the same day as me. Part way through the morning I told a couple of jokes to break the ice. She said she had a couple of good ones and started off with "What do you call a n****r who...." She went for lunch and never returned.

3.

Boss hired a vegan to work in the cafe were we do coffee and mainly breakfast food. So lots of eggs, cheese and meats and you know, milk. She refused to touch anything with animal products and lasted about 15 minutes. Not sure how she survived the interview process and didn't pick up on the use of milk in coffee drinks or what breakfast food had in it.

4.

We had a new IT hire. It was his first full-time job, he had good qualifications, and seemed okay. His first night, staff called me. He was spamming women with messages on their private phones. One woman's husband called me, saying her phone's camera was on nonstop and wouldn't turn off. He also installed software to switch on their cameras remotely. On day one. He wasn't allowed back on the premises.

5.

On the first day of a new daycare hire, she spanked a child.

6.

I worked at a fast-food restaurant. The new guy came in for his first shift, which was an evening shift in the drive-thru. He literally posted where he was and what he was doing on social media, and told all of his buddies to come through for free food. He then started messing up orders on purpose, and handed his friends free stuff. The manager called the police and he got arrested.

7.

Many years ago, we hired a line cook that had a decent amount of experience. He started on steak night. The first steak was undercooked. Re-fire, undercooked. On his third try, undercooked. Fourth try, the cow was still mooing when it came off the grill. The front of house manager goes to head chef and tells him to kick the cook off the line, so he does. His new job was to replace me on the sauté station. The first order he got there was for a side of asparagus, so he put the asparagus into the hot pan and added enough oil to deep-fry them. He turned on the stove. Oil escaped and hit the flame, and started a fire. He went to grab water, and if not for my head chef stealing the cup, we might've had a bigger fire. Just like that, gone. It turned out, all of his previous jobs were real places, but his supervisors were just friends who lied. Total time of employment: three hours.

8.

We had a guy start in London on a Monday, and he left for a a conference in Seattle later that week. I met him at Heathrow with his badge and laptop on his first morning, and boarded the flight with him. Longish story, but he ended up slapping a member of the flight crew because she wouldn’t let him sit in business class. I called HR when we landed and fired him in baggage claim. We paid for him to fly back to the UK next day.

9.

I used to train new hires at a warehouse. We have a floor for robots to zoom around on, full of merchandise, and cold spite. Only certified technicians could set foot on that floor. The rest of us? Instant termination if we did it. We stressed this frequently throughout orientation. I was training a group of new hires at a work station on their first night. One of our managers came over to introduce himself. One guy, who had already been copping an attitude, asked him about stepping on the floor. The manager reiterated what we told everyone: Do it, and you're fired. The guy said, 'You mean don't do this?' And put one foot on the floor. Away he went. I heard the rest of the new trainees laughing over how stupid he was. He was even whining about it the whole time his termination was being processed.

10.

A new employee showed up to work early on her first day to eat. We worked at sub restaurant, and she came in with a competitor's stub and started eating in the lobby while in uniform. The boss nicely asked her to eat in the back so customers wouldn't see. She started screaming and throwing a fit, so the boss told her to leave and not come back. I'm not sure if you can really even say she got fired...she never clocked in once.

11.

There was a new guy hired as quality control inspector after a lot of vetting. The job site was an aluminum extrusions factory — lots of hot, sharp, and heavy things that could crush your hands and slice you up, not to mention all the moving parts. He showed up first day on the job reeking of beer. He said, 'I was just celebrating my new job with my friends before work!' He refused the booze blow test at a nearby hospital. Paperwork was completed and he was fired after 90 minutes by the supervisor and HR.

12.

On her first morning, she wrote an email to her manager about how grateful she was to be with the company, how she looked forward to working for us, etc. She also wrote an email to her friend about how she'd got a cushy gig, and would scam them for as much training as possible for the first couple of months, and then leave. Apart from the general lack of wisdom of saying this on the company email system, when writing such contradictory emails, it's vitally important to put the right addressee on the right email. She walked out the door after two-and-a-half hours.

13.

It was his second week. The guy came to work very drunk, picked up the emergency axe, and trashed the place with it. He was instantly fired and processed in court shortly after.

14.

I worked in maintenance at a beach resort. One of the housekeepers managed to get her son a job as a 'runner', someone who would collect the dirty laundry after the housekeepers stripped the beds. She was actually worried when he started working, because I guess he'd a bad track record with other jobs. About three days after he started working, his mother confronted him about his new, expensive-looking athletic shoes and a gold chain around his neck. He just shot back something about having a job now, which didn't make sense because he hadn't even been paid yet. About the same time, there were a couple of reports at the front desk from guests who were missing large sums of money. A police report was made, and people were questioned. So after only about four days, this kid was fired and went to jail for stealing from guest rooms.

15.

guy drove a forklift into a fire hydrant, in front of a safety rep for the company. His supervisor was called over, and he immediately tells the supervisor that he won’t pass a drug test, as he used his only bottle of clean urine earlier that day when he hired in. Everybody standing there immediately burst into laughter, which continued as security (also laughing) escorted him off site. Even the supervisor was all smiles...just gave him a pat on the back and wished him the best of luck. It was wild.

16.

I worked at a bill collection firm in the early '90s (don't judge me). A guy started working there, went through the two days of training, and then started working. After about an hour, he got up and left. Didn't say, 'I quit.' Didn't say, 'this job isn't for me.' He just got up to go to the bathroom, went through the front door, and drove away. It took the managers a few hours to figure out that this guy had gotten the job with a fake name, and erased his own debt on the computer.

17.

It was a family-owned business, and she said something insensitive about the owner's recently deceased daughter.

18.

Worked on a logging crew 15 years ago. They hired a guy that “grew up on the farm working hard”… fired by noon day 1 because he literally looked like he was going to pass out and die after a few hours of “light duty” labor.

19.

First day at a CPA firm, guy gets a talking to from management because he followed a group of female coworkers to a restaurant at lunch, sat at a nearby table, and stared creepily at them for the entire meal. He got fired a couple of days later for logging into and using a coworker's computer without permission. Never heard what he was doing on that computer, but I think it's pretty safe to say it was something that he didn't want to use his own computer for.

20.

Several years ago, working as a lifeguard at the town pool, we get a new guy named Tim. Tim showed up to his first shift 30 minutes late, gets into the chair, and spends the entire rotation turned away from the pool. We were all very confused. The chair rotated on the stands, and he was actively facing away from the pool. Turns out he was really hungry, and was enjoying the smells coming from the snack bar. This was the actual explanation he gave his new boss. He was fired in the first 15 minutes of his first rotation. A true legend of stupidity.

21.

I was working in a small grocery store and we had a new butcher start. He showed up and asked the boss to pay for his taxi because he didn’t have any money until payday. He worked for a few hours and then left for lunch and never returned. We find out why when we went to close the cash register and it was off by about $1,000. So we checked the cameras and watched him shove the cash into his big rain boots. The kicker though? He went to play poker and that’s exactly where the cops found him hours later, with some money still in his boot.

22.

I worked in construction for eight years. Guys would quit all the time but the fastest was this kid named Austin. Austin was rail thin and wouldn't stop looking at his phone. Our boss told him to run a wheelbarrow full of dirt to a pile and he sighed before trudging over to it. The kid moved that wheelbarrow maybe fifteen feet, set it down and started looking at his phone again. Boss asked him what he was doing and he said it was "too hard" and he was calling his girlfriend to pick him up. Austin lasted a grand total of five minutes.

23.

Some cocktail waitress on her first day walked out with the main bar's tip jar. No one even noticed because we were so busy and thought she was getting ice or something. She got arrested, we never got paid. I still wonder what happened to all that money.

24.

Girl wouldn't stop texting during orientation, despite being asked to stop. She was escorted out in an hour.

25.

My brother's friend got a job at a car dealership in our town. Within a couple days of working there, he somehow was allowed to 'test drive' one of the brand new models. My brother and I lived a few miles out of town on 40 acres of land. His friend drove that brand new car out to our property to test the four-wheel drive. Well, it being a wet Pacific Northwest winter that year, he swiftly managed to get the car stuck in almost a foot of mud halfway up a good-sized hill. It took a tow truck three hours to get there and an over and hour to pull him out. All the while, the dealership was calling him asking what happened. The thing was DRENCHED in mud from him spinning the tires. He was fired that night.

26.

I worked at a fast food restaurant and one of the guys who’d been there a while was training a new guy. Halfway through the shift we had a rush and the new guy was trying to do the grill by himself while the other guy training him went on break. The manager started yelling that we needed burgers off the grill faster, and the new guy hurled a block of cheese right at him. I guess he didn’t realize who was yelling, but needless to say I didn’t see him again after that.

27.

Worked in an office where the manager was a bit on the curvy side. They hired some new guy who was also a rotound man. Whenever the manager walked by he would visibly stare at her butt and go "MM!" When I got back from lunch all his stuff was gone.

28.

I work as a Valet in a 5* hotel in Canada and this dude started like 1 week before. He was told that someone with 2 boxes of pretty expensive champagne (Crystal for those interested) that he was going to offer to his employees during a seminar was coming and his job was to put the boxes in his room. He did just that, except he took one for him and just left. Police had to come by the hotel to report the theft and the client was pretty angry (I can see why) but the valet never admitted the theft, even when we showed him the security camera footage.

29.

Worked delivering beer for a few years. We ran through a lot of employees really quickly to the point where we would hire 3 at a time and hope one would stick. Fastest I ever saw was a guy came in for his first day at 7 am, got assigned to drive with a manager (because we were short staffed and the manager was driving routes), and was handed the keys and told to pull the truck into the dock. Never came to the dock. Manager goes looking for him ten minutes later, finds him finishing a beer in our repacking room. Is immediately let go. Twenty minutes on the job.

30.

When I worked at Babies 'R' Us many years ago, an employee wrote on the break room white board, 'F**k b******, hire dimes.' For some reason, it escaped him that there are cameras pretty much everywhere. He was done after maybe three days on the job.

31.

We had a company holiday party, and the girl who used to be the receptionist had just gotten hired as an account person. She got super drunk that night and started grabbing male employees' crotches. A member of HR took a car service home with her since they lived near each other. She threw up on the HR person on the way home. When they dropped her off at her parents' home. they said not to come back. I think she'd the job for maybe two days.