23 Things Hollywood Gets Wrong About Life In Prison

1.

Well, one my first night in prison, after lights out, one of the prisoners yelled "63!" The entire prison started laughing. I asked my cellmate what I was missing. He told me that they had all been in there so long that they had the same jokes.

To save time, they just decided to number them. I asked if I could give it a whirl. I shouted "37!" The prison erupted into the loudest laughter I have ever heard. I ask my cellmate what joke I just told and he responded, "I don't know, I haven't heard that one before."

2.

Been to a state prison in Ohio as a young skinny white dude... one of the most intimidating feelings I've ever felt walking into a large building with 3 wings each filled to the brim with some scary mother f@#$%^s. Bunk beds, no cells learned very quickly to keep to myself. As you can imagine there was always tension in the air, that imminent sense of violence was hanging in limbo. Grown men packed into tight living quarters with only a couple of things of commissary to your name breeds one hell of a hostile environment.

I had a short stint but found myself constantly being aware of who and what was going on around me. Tobacco wasn't allowed, but if you could get 1 pack of smokes in, it could be broken down into 3 roll-ups from each cig, and each roll-up sold for 5 bucks, meaning one pack could net you 300 bucks.

Gambling is everywhere and I saw most dudes get in trouble because they would start incurring debt and couldn't pay it off, that's when they would heat up tomato soup in the microwave and throw boiling sticky soup on someone while they slept (saw it twice). Envelopes and soups (ramen packets) were currency and prison is strictly racially divided, if your there long enough you have to join. It was terrifying but at the same time I meet some really interesting people and faced one of my greatest fears in life and came out the other side all the while doing almost a social experiment as it unfolded.

And the last thing I'll say is this; they say it's a "rehabilitation" center, that's complete bull s@#t. I went in for having a large amount of herb, but while in there I learned the best methods to counterfeit money and how to B and E without getting caught... our incarceration system desperately needs change. This was just my experience.

3.

A friend of mine did some time. He had internet, PlayStation, and a chef who made breakfast and dinner every day. They had to make lunch themselves with access to a full complimentary kitchen. Knives, cutlery, and so on were freely available. They often went outside to shop for groceries and some even went to work. Basically, the only thing was to stay away from the sex offenders. This was a medium-security correctional facility in Norway.

4.

Your word is everything. Breaking your word puts you roughly on par with a sex offender. You give your word on something, it needs to be gospel. Someone gives you theirs, assume it is too. And be ready to go if it isn't. It's not just worth fighting over, it's essential that you do. Everything is for sale, or at least has a market value. Sustained eye contact means you're starting s@#t. Someone makes it with you, assume they're sizing you up. Don't do anything for free, unless it's for someone you know.

5.

Because of Hollywood, I thought that prison had s@#t food and that guys just worked out all the time because they had nothing to do. But then my uncle got locked up for 6 years and gained 50lbs and got diabetes.

6.

Where to put your hands since you don't have pockets to put them in?

Most prisoners just let them flail about in the air. Not having pockets really f@#%s you up man. I'm imagining that and it feels so awkward just thinking about it. Must be crazy to go for months like that.

7.

I don't think the outside world realizes how racial prison life is. Even if you go into it with the most non-racial outlook, you better change that immediately or your life is in danger. I did a stint in Chino (California) in 1999 and a black guy gave me a fish sandwich (I'm white by the way) and the next thing I know I'm being dragged into the back and assaulted by three other white guys. You don't play cards, make deals that involve open food, pretty much anything when it comes to races outside of your own. I didn't grow up with a racial outlook so I didn't even see or notice these things but I had to quickly adjust.

8.

I've been out for fifteen years or so, tobacco was the basic currency when I was there, but you can't smoke in Canadian prisons anymore. Been out of touch with any criminals too long to say for sure. Any street clothes are always worth something, shoes especially, but not all joints let you have them. Walkmans and any game controller with a rumble, because the motor could be used for a tattoo gun. Pigma pens, because the ink worked for tattooing, and a limited number of inmates could purchase them.

9.

Wear slippers in the shower.. and shower every day..not doing one of those gets you beat up here in California.

10.

Summer vacations. A friend of mine was recently locked up during the summer months. Because guards take a vacation at the same time as everyone else, 3 days a week were spent on lockdown, meaning that 1-2 hours of outside time didn't apply due to staff shortage. He's out now, and very thankful for his freedom.

11.

Current prisoner here, in The Philippines. Anything can be smuggled in if you pay the right guards. Money = power. You can get away with almost anything if you have enough money.

12.

I had to learn that it didn't matter if I got beat up as long as I still stood up for myself. I came in fearing the inevitable knockout (I'm 5'4 and 125 lbs and not a fighter but I'm also not a punk and I don't keep my mouth shut for nobody), but yea I eventually got my butt kicked. Out of the 8 fights while I was in there I lost 6 of them but even though I got beat up people ended up respecting me. And there is nothing worse than total isolation from everything. Yea, it might be calming for a day or two but after thirty days, you start to lose it... I also learned that it didn't matter if you started a fight or not—if you fight, you go to the hole if you get caught in Texas.

13.

Not a long-timer here, but show everyone respect. If you bump into someone it is critical to say "I'm sorry man, I wasn't paying attention." You never shake hands, you fist bump. You can't be nice to the guards, just polite. There are a LOT more illiterate people than I ever thought possible.

14.

DrMeowbutuSeseSeko said: The guards just sat and watched YouTube all day and night. Seems like a dream job if you've got no soul.foul_ol_ron replied: Had an uncle who was a guard. Said it was the most soul-destroying job he'd ever had. He also said that most of the time, he got along better with the prisoners than the other guards.

15.

For the most part, it's not like you see on TV and in movies. Don't start s@#t, but be willing and able to defend yourself, if need be. Keep to yourself and don't stand out...in any way. This also means don't be the "funny" guy that makes everyone laugh. You want to be as invisible as possible really. Don't try to be nice and give people stuff. They will, at first, make it seem like it makes you cool with them, but it doesn't. It's WAY louder ALL the time than you think it would be. There are always people who never seem to sleep. Be prepared to lose privileges because of other idiots... will happen all the time.

16.

My dad did time. Got kitchen duty. Was serving food. The dude said to my pops "you better put more on this plate" my dad knew If he did he would be considered a b***ch. He dropped the dude right in line. Had to go to seg but when he got out was considered the man of the pod. My 5'11 glasses wearing white father. It makes me smile thinking about it.

17.

I was in max security juvie. When I was getting screened they asked me "have you ever contemplated [taking your own life]?" Ever? Yeah, sure I've thought of it once or twice. Boom, [preventative] watch. No clothes, a tarp for a blanket, and a tarp-wrapped pillow. I was miserable and had to convince whoever was in charge that there was a misunderstanding. I wasn't in very long, but I'm pretty good with authority so my stint was fairly relaxed. Don't look at people, be respectful, and keep to yourself. I was 15 at the time.

18.

I know someone who works for the Dept of Corrections (CA). He says drones are where it's at. All kinds of crazy s@#t are brought in via drone right now and prisons are busting a#@ trying to figure out how to make them drone-proof, but for the moment it's a huge problem and changes everything about prison rules and behavior.

19.

rot117 said: If there's a candy bar on your bed when you get there DO NOT eat or keep it give it to someone else. munkipawse asked: Why? You have me curious about the reason.

rot117 explained: Cause if you eat or keep it whoever put it there will most likely make it seem like you owe him or you might get a bad surprise.

20.

For me, the loss of everything outside of my body was the biggest shock. You have nothing they don't want you to have when you first go in, so in a way, it's like being born into a new world, but fully aware. It's a steep learning curve to be sure, but truthfully, it isn't always cutthroat with nobody to trust. Sure there are people to avoid, and if you have a decent celly, they'll point them out, somewhat like Shawshank. I was in medium-security for 6 months on credit card fraud, so I wasn't near any expected dangerous people anyway, but there were still the territorial guys you just were better off avoiding. Other than that...a LOT of reading for me, learning some basic card tricks from my celly....stuff like that. Not at all a desirable place to be IMO.

21.

Anyway, I know there's a huge difference between men's and women's jails, and a huge difference between jail and prison. But one thing that no one tells you is that it's going to be so boring. So endlessly boring. Luckily, for women and state prisons, there are a lot of programs and jobs available to fill your time, but there's always a wait. And everything in jail takes forever. And you have to be in for a certain amount of time before you qualify for a lot of things. They don't tell you how hard it is to be that bored. You have to make the most of it, and while I didn't enjoy my stays there, I always ended up being able to make the most of it and have a good time.

22.

I would say the most surprising to me is that the inmates all do the same things, almost like they train each other to be inmates. For example: when they hold cigarettes and smoke, they all do it facing away from the officer's station, they all sit on the beds in the same pattern, etc.

If they see an officer coming onto the wing, they all yell "one time" to warn their friends to hide their s@#t. A more experienced officer can even spot inmates with "roles", which (in simple examples) you could have two inmates come up to distract you, while another one does something they're not supposed to.

Or you could have one being irritating and trying to get on your nerves so that another inmate will come up and offer to get him to stop. If you agree, the one stopping him will begin to act very friendly and could start asking you to smuggle phones or allow him and his buddies special privileges.

23.

No one tells you how hungry you're gonna be. The food sucks, not just suck it's absolutely not fit for human consumption. But you get hungry enough to eat it. They only serve 1200 calories a day in women's prisons. At least mine. You'd better hope you have the canteen coming.

Better hope someone out there cares enough to send it to you. And hopefully, they send you enough money, because women in prison have to use canteen money to buy shampoo, conditioner, hairbrushes, toothpaste, toothbrush, deodorant, pads and tampons, any type of Tylenol or stomach medication, cause if you get headache or stomach ache it'll take a week to get seen.

You need to buy everything, and even though you're hungry enough to not be able to sleep, you still need tampons.