25 Best Insults You Will Ever Hear

1.

While I was in the Navy I overheard, " I'd tell you to go kill yourself but you would probably f*ck that up too."

2.

You probably get your insults from askreddit.

3.

I don't know if they came up with it, but I believe Animaniacs had, "The closest you'll have to a brainstorm is a slight drizzle," which I still think is quite good.

4.

"You're so stupid that it may actually be illegal to f*ck you."

5.

A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her. "You have more d*ck in your personality than you do in your pants"

6.

"I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said." -William Buckley

7.

In middle school a classmate told me I have teeth like a Virginia picket fence. Middle schoolers have the best insults!

8.

The only way you’ll ever get laid is by crawling up a hen’s a** and waiting.

9.

Guy singing and playing the guitar. Passerby: do you take requests? Singer: sure Passerby: please stop.

10.

You’re so cross-eyed when you cry, your tears fall down your back

11.

"You're why God doesn't talk to us anymore"

12.

Had an alcoholic kitchen worker at my first job that I swear to God could have been a roast writer. I caught him looking at a female employee's ass once for like 5 straight minutes. I was like, "Thurman, you okay?" He said, "Man, boss, it's a shame she has such bad acne. Love that ass, but it looks like her face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork."

13.

You’re a real conversation starter. Just not when you’re around.

14.

“May you have a day as pleasant as you are.” Great to use on customers because they can’t complain this was an insult without admitting they were f*cking rude.

15.

"I know a mind reader who would charge you half price."

16.

For a critic, “You have me at a disadvantage. You seem to know a lot about me, and I don’t give a f*ck about you.”

17.

Maybe you Aussies and Kiwis remember this but a while ago the New Zealand prime minister Robert Muldoon was asked about immigration from New Zealand to Australia. He responded that he was fine with it because it was raising the average IQ of both countries.

18.

“He has a face like a stuntman’s knee”

19.

Had one Yemani describe a colleague in broken English "he's a waste of skin"

20.

I hope you go far. The sooner, the better.

21.

“The only thing you’re f*cking, is stupid.”

22.

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you."

23.

You're not the dumbest person in the world but you'd better hope they don't die.

24.

You've only got 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for 3rd place.

25.

Sharp as a marble, that one!