Hilarious One Liners From The Late Great Mitch Hedberg

1.

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

2.

I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

3.

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."

4.

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

5.

A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.

6.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

7.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

8.

In Venice, Italy they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals.

9.

I went to a record store; they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

10.

I saw a sheet lying on the floor; it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.

11.

If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

12.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so…yeah."

13.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want 2,000 of something.

14.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

15.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

16.

Dogs are forever in the push up position.

17.

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like, "Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

18.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

19.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

20.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

21.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

22.

I remixed the remix. It was back to normal.

23.

I saw a commercial for an above ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool.

24.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

25.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.