24 Perfectly Good Reasons to Break-up

1. My friend dated a guy who had a Furby that would talk randomly in the night. It freaked her out and so she ended it.

2. Someone I know ended a relationship because he paid with a $100 bill at the bar and his girlfriend had never seen one before. He said he couldn’t be with someone that was impressed over $100. They were in their mid-twenties!

3. My little sister broke up with her boyfriend after he ‘reached his hand into her bag of potato chips and took a handful without asking.’ Right after he left our house, she texted him and ended the relationship.

4. He peed behind a tree in a parking lot at the county fair. He walked right by the bathrooms and still did this.

5. He lived downtown and I could never find parking. One day, I was driving to his apartment and looked for a parking spot for about half an hour. I couldn’t find one, so I decided he just wasn’t worth it and broke up with him in a text after I drove home.

6. I stopped seeing someone because his skin was too soft and he had zero body hair anywhere. Like, his skin was weirdly softer than any baby’s skin I had ever touched. It almost felt fake!!!

7. He was eating Doritos while we were watching a movie and he wiped his cheese fingers on my cream-colored blanket.

8. I broke up with a boyfriend because he couldn’t chew with his mouth closed. I would remind him but it didn’t stop. Then one night, we were out to dinner and while he was chewing, a piece of food FELL OUT OF HIS MOUTH!!! I just stared at him and he shrugged and continued eating. I calmly put down my napkin, stood up, and left the restaurant (and him.) I never looked back.

9. I met a guy on Tinder who was ridiculously good looking. But for our first date, he took me to a Civil War re-enactment and told me his past relationships hadn’t worked out because he loves history too much and doesn’t understand why that was a problem.

10. He told me he ‘knew’ he wouldn’t like my dog.

11. He hummed. All. The. Time.

12. He ‘signed’ all of his texts.

13. When I was 5, I had one of those kindergarten relationships. I broke up with him because he proposed and 5-year-old me thought I was going to get pregnant if I married him.

14. He proudly told me he hadn’t gone to the dentist in 10 years.

15. His kisses always tasted like milk.

16. My husband once broke up with a woman because she took a pregnancy test in front of him, rinsed it off, and put it back in the cupboard so she could use it again if she needed to.

17. He would always stare at me and try to get me to exchange loving glances. Like I’d be watching TV, cooking, texting, minding my own business and I’d feel him staring at me…So uncomfortable.

18. He once called a blowjob a ‘sucky-suck.’

19. He only ate chicken nuggets. Literally only chicken nuggets.

20. I broke up with someone because he was allergic to peanuts. Dating him meant I couldn’t eat peanuts anymore because if we kissed, I could kill him. Wasn’t worth giving up Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

21. He read EVERY SINGLE BILLBOARD out loud when we were driving back from a date in the city.

22. We drove out to Vegas for the weekend and he was THE WORST singer. Our trip was literally just FOUR AGONIZING HOURS of listening to someone sing off-key. Still think breaking up with him was justified.

23. He farted while we were cuddling in bed one night and instead of laughing it off or simply apologizing, he said (in a baby voice): ‘Oopsie, I pooted!’ I was instantly not attracted to him anymore and left pretty much immediately.

24. He spit out meat into a napkin, let it sit for a minute, and ate it again. I walked out.