18 Dumb Idiots Who Called 911 for the Absolutely Wrong Reasons

1.

A lady calls asking if she can donate a building for a training burn in. After asking questions she finds out it’s not a building but an RV.

More questions. It’s not her RV, it was abandoned on her property. Just a few more questions. It’s not exactly abandoned. It’s her ex-husbands RV. And he’s living in it and won’t leave.

She wants my wife’s fire department to burn it down. Wife’s fire department declined.

2.

First one when a young man realized what happens to some women during the first time. He thought he poked something and hurt her.

Second was when a man and a woman were getting hot and heavy. He ended up getting his junk stuck inside of a Gatorade bottle.

Getting his junk stuck wasn’t funny (it’s a serious medical concern and could result in emergency surgery) but his S.O. yelling in the background about how he could have just asked for a blow job and she would have given it literally killed me throughout the call.

3.

I only worked dispatch for a few months and I got a call for a fish being stuck in a woman’s ear.

4.

My dad used to be in charge of the 911 call center. One particular story I remember was some guy called asking how much weed he could have in his car while driving through the state.

They went back and forth for maybe 20 minutes of the guy repeating and rephrasing the question and my dad just responding “none.”

5.

I was certified as a call taker and got mandated for overtime on my first shift. Policy was if someone insisted they saw something we take it at face value and enter the call.

This lady called me just after midnight and swore she saw a chupacabra on the west side of Orlando and insisted an officer do an area check.

Not too long after that a coworker was in on his night off and left the building. He called two mins later saying he saw a kangaroo hopping down the street.

I can’t make this shit up

6.

Not a dispatcher, but I did get dispatched by them. My favorite call was when my pager went off and I read aloud, “Woman bit by camel.”

We were working in Malibu.

7.

Lady called in because she thought Willie Nelson was having a cardiac arrest in her trailer, and she needed an ambulance.

I started giving her CPR instructions, and come to find out when paramedics got there, she was doing compressions on the couch cushions.

8.

When I was a fire dispatcher I had to send a squad to remove a cock ring. So there’s that.

9.

Caller called because they got their head stuck in a cat tree with the cat stuck inside with it. Throughout the call I kept hearing like, “ow, fuck” and, “dude this isn’t fun for me either.”

Caller ended up going to the hospital for a minor case of serious head lacerations. I don’t really know the severity but I’m sure they got some stitches.

10.

I had a guy call in on 911 because he was concerned about a seagull he thought was injured in a Chipotle restaurant parking lot.

Apparently while on the phone, he tried to pick up or check on the bird at which point the bird started squawking, then he started freaking out and I started having trouble telling them apart.

I could hear what might have been wings flapping, a brief silence, and suddenly the guy started hyperventilating and screaming he needed an ambulance because he was having a heart attack and that the bird flew off.

I wasn’t sure if he was being serious so I got him over to EMS as a precaution. Upon transfer and getting EMS on the line he got very quiet and said, “I think I’m okay, I’ll call you back later,” and hung up and would not answer on call back.

I still wonder about Steven Seagull when I drive by a Chipotle.

11.

A guy calls my agency every so often talking about murdering gummy bear dinosaurs and something about strawberry tampons.

12.

One time a guy called in while I was training and stated he had cut his penis. When I answered you cut your penis?! The trainer smacked me on the arm and told me he said he’d cut his hand.

She looked at me like the biggest pervert! Then ten seconds later into the conversation he says, “Yeah I was trying on a rubber that was too small and I had to cut it off so I cut right into my penis!”

She almost couldn’t stop herself from laughing.

13.

Had a grown man calling in about “a monster trying to get into his son’s room.” He’s the right kind of frantic where I KNOW it’s not a mental health crisis , but I still couldn’t figure it out.

Well, he's a middle Eastern male with a real thick accent and I was having a hard time understanding, so he gave the phone to his son.

The monster had climbed a tree and was at his bedroom window . And it was as big as his dog.

They had just moved to America a month ago, and had never heard of raccoons. I couldn’t mute myself fast enough , and the father heard me laughing.

I think that’s what helped calm him down. I explained what a trash panda was and welcomed him to our wild jungle.

14.

Numerous calls where someone has handcuffed themself to a SO during coitus and lost the key (if it’s not busy this seems to draw most available officers).

Not me but a coworker: A person was pleasuring themselves with the handle of a scissors and it got stuck.

15.

Someone legit called me today to say, “Some guy has a pet rock and he almost got hit by a car collecting his pet from the roadway.”

16.

I was a 911 dispatcher years ago but had two calls specific calls that still make me laugh.

1. A frazzled mother called cause her six year old had gotten into the roof and she couldn’t get him down. She kept screaming about how we need to hurry.

Not because she was worried he would get hurt, but because he had done the before and last time he peed in the air vents.

2. This was before weed was legal in my state, but a college kid called asking for an ambulance. He was super worried that he was having an allergic reaction to the weed he just smoked.

When asked about his symptoms he said “I just can’t stop eating Cheetos.”

17.

I once called 911 because I cut my finger and wanted to talk to my mom, who was a dispatcher.

I called crying asking to talk to her by name. She was more pissed at my dad for not waking up when I tried to go to him first.

18.

There are funny calls that come in all the time. I talked to a pizza delivery guy who couldn’t reach his destination because a defiant chicken was standing in the middle of the road.

I stayed with him on the phone as he pleaded with it to finally move along. Truly a chicken crossing the road moment.

Another time I took a call where a guy insisted he was in an argument with a man dressed as a giant Pepsi bottle.

He said the man in the Pepsi suit had stolen his debit card and refused to give it back. Upon arrival the officers told me he was high as shit and arguing with a vending machine.