10 Tips For Surviving a Horror Movie

1.

If Stuff Moves Around in Your New House, You Move Out of Your New House - You move into a charming old victorian, you can’t believe how cheap it was! Oh, that’s because fifty blind kids were murdered in there and now your table is floating like a goddamn magic show. Time to move back into that little apartment.

2.

Don’t Have Sex - Ok this one is a little played out (with help from every 90s horror movie ever) but the survival tip still stands true. If you have to have sex make sure it’s in the middle of a busy intersection during the day, because if not you are definitely getting gutted like a fish.

3.

Don’t Take A Shower - It’s a common misconception that you can live in a horror movie AND be cleanly. Psycho is the obvious example, however there are multiple films in which a ghost or a killer has attacked the unsupecting bather.

4.

That Ancient Burial Ground Should Stay Untouched - The United States is pretty big, and most of it are un-developed. So under no circumstances does your hotel or condo development need to go on top of the burial ground of already pissed off spirits.

5.

Always Check the Backseat - You’re driving along, crying happy/fearful tears, thinking you’ve finally outrun the mutant killer that was hunting you down. Of course his half-mutant mother is going to pop-up like a pissed off taxi rider and stab you in the neck.

6.

Your Weird Neighbor You Never See Doesn’t Have a Night Job - New neighbor moves in and you never see them during the day. His house windows are boarded up and you heard screams the other night when you were cooking garlic bread in your oven. Don’t invite the dude over whatever you do.

7.

If You Can’t Find Anyone in The Town, It’s Because They’re All Dead - You travel to a small town on a getaway to mysteriously find the town completely empty. Well if a whole town couldn’t deal with whatever it was that destroyed them, your best bet would be to get back on the highway and find a nice bar to spend your time at.

8.

If An Old Guy/Woman Warns You of Something. Listen - “Yeah, yeah, whatever old timer.” Be sure to have them write that on your tombstone if you don’t listen to the old looney at the gas station that tells you to turn back.

9.

Don’t Ever Buy a Doll - Dolls are a no go, they are always creepy looking and possessed. It’s not the 1800s, we have iPads, just get your kid one of those.

10.

That Ancient Relic You Find in an Antique Shop, Just Leave it - Yeah you might think it’ll be a good conversation piece during your next cocktail party, but once there is the spirit of an ancient demi-God with his hand up your ass, you’ll quickly reconsider.