‘What Kinda Grand Theft Auto Nonsense Is This?’: Man Steals ATM Using Backhoe

For most people, stealing is a pretty casual endeavor. Go into a store, stuff a couple shirts down your pants, walk out. Simple, right?

Wrong. If you want to be a real robber, you’ve got to be like the dudes in Oakland who used a backhoe to break into a store and steal an ATM.

In security camera footage of the event, a man can be seen minding his own business when BAM — backhoe breaks through the window, its mechanical eyes set on the store’s ATM.

According to a report from ABC 7, here’s how things were supposed to play out. The backhoe would crash through the front of the store. Then, a man would jump in and tie a chain to the machine. From there, the chain would be connected to their truck, and the group would drive away — all for a sweet payday of probably around $20,000.

Sure, it’s a lot of work (not to mention the cost of a backhoe), but have you seen the prices at McDonald’s these days? How the heck else are you supposed to pay for a Big Mac Meal?

So, that was the plan. However, that’s not actually what happened.

Per the report, the backhoe smashed through the window. Then, when the would-be robbers tried to connect the chain to the ATM, they found that it was too short. While trying to resolve this problem, they heard police sirens — and promptly ditched the scene.

In summary, basically no money was stolen, and the group managed to cause about $70,000 in damages. Good work, team!

Even though the gas station had its whole front window smashed, CBS News reports that it’s still business as usual there. So if you’re in the area, make sure to stop by — just don’t expect to be able to withdraw cash anytime soon.