Caroline Ellison, the disgraced former CEO of Alameda Research headed to court to testify against her FTX co-founder and ex-boyfriend Sam Bankman Fried this week, getting candid about their tumultuous business dealings.


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“I often shared feelings about being unhappy with our relationship,” she said during her time on the stand. “I shared concerns about our personal and professional relationships affecting each other…it made me feel bad. It made me feel like an unequal partner in our relationship.”


But more than these revelations and others involving Bankman-Fried’s alleged attempts to bribe Chinese officials and attempt to move roughly $100 million of frozen assets into accounts made under Thai sex workers’ names, crypto bros found themselves particularly fascinated with one element of Ellison’s testimony: Her appearance.



“That's the bad guy from The Smurfs,” wrote @Hard_Bastard alongside two snaps of Ellison, who is also facing up to 110 years in prison after pleading guilty to several charges, including wire fraud, conspiracy to commit securities fraud and conspiracy to commit money laundering.


“Bing has banned the term ‘Sam Bankman Fried’ from use in its AI generator, but ‘Caroline Ellison’ still works,” @LeMerdeposteur captioned several digitally rendered images of Gollum from Lord of the Rings in a courtroom.



But regardless of what these clearly sex-deprived crypto dudebros have to say about a woman who would likely never even dream of touching them with a 10-foot pole, one thing is certain: Ellison can get it more than probably any of us ever will.



The former exec allegedly got candid about her sexual exploits in a series of steamy Tumblr posts shared back in 2020, detailing the horny inner workings of her and her former flame’s 10-person polyamorous entanglement.


“When I first started my foray into poly, I thought of it as a radical break from my trad past,” she reportedly wrote in one of her now-iconic blog posts. “But tbh I’ve come to decide the only acceptable style of poly is best characterized as something like ‘imperial Chinese harem.’“



So why did Ellison and Bankman-Fried opt to run a Chinese harem, rather than an all-too-trendy polycule, in their $35 million Bahamas “crypto frat house?” The answer, she explained, all comes down to structure and power dynamics.


“None of this non-hierarchical bulls–t; everyone should have a ranking of their partners,” she continued. “People should know where they fall on the ranking, and there should be vicious power struggles for the higher ranks.”


But just as her 9 other comrades knew their place, so did Ellison, the Stanford grad opening up about her role in the crypto bro harem.

“I’m less hedonistic and more masochistic,” she purportedly wrote in a separate post. “I get a lot of pleasure from doing things that are hard, unpleasant, physically taxing, or emotionally painful.”


Considering this apparent penchant for pain, we can only hope that Ellison is having an absolute ball as she faces off with the American legal system.