“Parental rights” apparently includes the right to coldcock a teenager in the face.


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Okay, let’s back up. There’s a woman in Philadelphia named Clarice Schillinger. Everybody say, “Hi, Clarice!”



Schillinger previously made waves by running for lieutenant governor of the state, where she lost in the primary. Her campaign focused on “parental rights” — specifically, the parental right to dictate what kind of content their child is taught in school.


But we don’t care about that right now. What we *do* care about is a party she allegedly threw for her 17-year-old daughter’s birthday. According to an affidavit reported on by the Daily Beast, Schillinger decided to be the “fun mom” and outfitted the whole party with booze. Not only that, but she joined in on the fun by doing shots and playing beer pong alongside the guests who were as young as 15.


However, at around 3 a.m., something went wrong. Police received a call from the mother of a 16-year-old boy who alleged that he had not only been to the party where Schillinger was drinking along with the teenage partygoers, but that “intoxicated adults” at the party were “assaulting juveniles.”


The assaults in question allegedly included Schillinger’s then-boyfriend, Shan Wilson, punching a 15-year-old in the face. It also included Schillinger’s mother, Danette Bert, punching a different child in the face. Not to be outdone, Schillinger allegedly punched a kid of her own, landing three blows on — you guessed it — a teenage boy’s face.


“A video from the evening was provided, which shows multiple minors gathered in a front foyer area of the residence with Clarice Schillinger quickly lunging at a subject and subsequently having to be restrained,” reads the affidavit.


We don’t know what inspired three different adults to go Raging Bull on these teens. What we do know is that Schillinger has since been charged with simple assault, harassment and furnishing liquor to minors, and has already pleaded guilty to charges of “disorderly conduct/engage in fighting.”


And what we *also* know is that we have to party with Clarice. If you’re reading this, Clarice, we can’t wait to go out on the town with you — we can meet in whichever bar you haven’t been kicked out of yet.