From doping to dope-y. Despite taking W’s throughout his storied cycling career (ones that definitely didn’t involve the use of illicit substances), it seems Lance Armstrong may have taken a major L recently, allegedly making an ass of himself during a visit to the strip club.
On Thursday, freelance writer and dancer Reese Piper took to Twitter claiming that much like internationally recognized doping regulations, the former Tour de France champ appeared to ignore several basic tenets of strip-club patronage earlier this week, purportedly complaining about tipping before attempting to perform cunnilingus on her. Classy.
“I danced for Lance Armstrong last night,” she began the thread, which has since garnered more than 236,000 views during its first day on the site. “Not only did his friend pay his way but he also complained about tipping the waitress and then seemed genuinely surprised when I wouldn’t let him eat me out during a 15 minute (150 dollar) dance.”
I danced for Lance Armstrong last night. Not only did his friend pay his way but he also complained about tipping the waitress and then seemed genuinely surprised when I wouldn't let him eat me out during a 15 minute (150 dollar) dance. Celebrities are gross.
— Reese P (@Reese__P) January 26, 2023
“Celebrities are gross,” she continued, before asking fellow dancers to share their most positive celebrity interactions — not that being more positive than this is particularly hard. Alongside praising celebrities who purportedly have, well, basic manners (Colin Farrell, or someone who looks a lot like Colin Farrell) — and yet more who allegedly do not (Haley Joel Osment — we see cheap people who can’t keep their hands to themselves) — some hilariously confused Armstrong with Apollo 11 legend, Neil Armstrong.
Colin Farrell was a sweetheart
— JaymeJamesxoxo (@JaymeJamesxoxo) January 27, 2023
Started to get uncomfortable when people started gathering so I went out & got him & friend,brought them into the large,secluded dj booth w a few girls,then set em up in a curtained vip area
End of nite"I almost forgot" ty & emptied his pocket..300+
Haily Joel Osment begs to eat it in the champagne room and also does not tip
— aisling wolf (@ashlynnwolfxxx) January 27, 2023
i’m so dumb i thought lance armstrong was the guy who landed on the moon and i was surprised he’s alive, but fr fuck this bicycle loser piece of work, he’s such a tool
— moving✈️ (@zeyzooted) January 27, 2023
Though neither Armstrong nor Reese has yet to reply to eBaum’s World’s request for comment, Lance, if you’re reading this, here’s a tip: As the bard of our generation A’Ziah “Zola” King once poetically put it (on Twitter as well no less), “Pussy is worth thousands.”
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