On the days when his handlers let him back into the public, Joe Biden can be quite the character. He’ll regale you with stories about Corn Pop (a bad dude, I hear), tell you all about the time he *definitely* saw the immediate aftermath of 9/11 firsthand — and if you catch him on a really good day, he might even smell your hair! What dubiously consensual fun!


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Recently, Biden was doing his Biden thing — i.e., grasping onto his last remaining brain cells with Cliffhanger-like intensity — when he let loose a rather bizarre claim. To put it bluntly, Biden might have implied that his uncle was eaten by cannibals.



Twice, Biden told a story about how his uncle Ambrose Finnegan had his plane downed in New Guinea. Both times, he mentioned that there were many cannibals around at that time, and that they weren’t able to recover the body owing to this and other factors.


“He got shot down in New Guinea and they never found the body because there used to be — there were a lot of cannibals, for real, in that part of New Guinea,” Biden told United Steelworkers union members in one instance.



To be clear, this didn’t happen, at least as far as anyone involved in the situation can tell. The Army says that the plane was downed in the ocean near New Guinea. Now, is it technically possible that Biden’s uncle somehow survived the impact, swam all the way to New Guinea, then became a cannibal Lunchable? I mean, sure, but he would have to be one of the unluckiest dudes in the history of time.



In conclusion, what are we supposed to take away from this? Answer: I don’t know, but I’m going to spend from now until November drinking.