The English language has seen some incredible achievements in its time: Shakespeare and his invention of over 1,700 words, many of which we still use today, for example, or the transformation of “slay” from a synonym for murder to a word of encouragement and celebration (“You slayed that look!”).
Despite these linguistic feats, we somehow haven’t been able to come up with a feasible alternative for shouting “I’m cumming” at the moment of climax during sex. For years, internet users have tried and failed to provide different options that are either less embarrassing, funnier or “more elegant” than the tried-and-true “I’m cumming.”
Reddit eggheads are back on the case once again, though, and the suggestions are… varied. One user wrote, “No joke, I once came so hard my brain shut down and I just mumbled to my wife ‘here it is’ and that was it,” which we appreciate for its straightforwardness. Another added, “When me and my now wife were first dating and hadn’t said ‘I love you’ yet, I once mixed up ‘Fuck, I’m coming!’ and ‘I love you’ and just shouted ‘Fuck you!’ at her,” which is probably not ideal for widespread adoption.
A different Redditor, obviously a graduate of the Bridgerton school of dirty talk, suggested, “My dear Evelyn, I hope this letter finds you well. As I write this to you, the clothes are spread across the floor of my bedchamber. I do regret to inform you that I am about to arrive. — Forever yours, Thomas.”
Others opted for even simpler suggestions, including the THX sound, the dial-up connecting sound (using this would definitely immediately identify you as Old), or shouting “Yahtzee!” For the Canadians, there’s always a simple “sorry,” or for the Australians, “crikey.”
Or, if you don’t mind never seeing your sexual partner again, you could borrow one user’s suggestion and quote Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Ozymandias”: “Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!”
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