Months after Tucker Carlson first publicly thirsted after the Green M&M, it seems the Fox News pest’s apparently insatiable boner for cartoon candy has managed to penetrate further into straight through the pop culture zeitgeist, hitting the wall of Mars Inc.’s board room.


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On today’s installment of why M&M’s can’t wear sneakers (or platforms, apparently) — a phenomenon proving the strange butterfly effects of Reagan’s America — M&M’s parent company conceded to conservatives’ whiny crying, yanking their controversial “spokescandies” amid allegations of “wokeness” after launching a campaign that *gasps* featured more than one female character.



“America, let’s talk,” began the formal statement shared to M&M’s official Twitter account on Monday, proving that the handful of right-winters butthurt a cartoon chocolate swapped her gogo boots for a pair knockoff AF1s is apparently *that* big of a deal.


“In the last year, we’ve made some changes to our beloved spokescandies,” the message continued, noting that despite the internet’s well-documented historical horniness for any even-slightly anthropomorphized object, they “weren’t sure if anyone would even notice” the redesign (lol). “We definitely didn’t think it would break the internet. But now we get it even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing.”


Considering this not-so-widespread butthurt, the brand explained that they had “decided to take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies,” instead, adopting a spokeswoman “America can agree on” — the great equalizer that is *checks notes* Bridesmaids star Maya Rudolph.





“We are confident Ms. Rudolph will champion the power of fun to create a world where everyone feels they belong,” the statement continued, proving that much like their now-defunct spokescandies, Mars (probably) has no spine.


Despite failing to realize that “the people mad about the color of an m&m will also be mad at the color of maya rudolph [sic],” as comedian Ramon Rivas II so aptly observed, the company is standing by its decision, despite the evident ire of, well, pretty much everyone on Twitter.