“Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.”


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It’s a quote you’ll hear from some of the most annoying people on the planet. Their point, I assume, is that whenever you see someone who has achieved success, they were able to do that with the same amount of time that you have. Sure, they may have had more money, resources, connections and everything else than you, but the one thing they can’t hold over your head is time.


Until now, at least. On an episode of the Evan Carmichael Show featuring Ed Mylett, aka swagless Dave Bautista, Mylett explains how his own convoluted conception of time means that one day contains not one, not two, but three whole days.



“My day is 6 a.m. to noon,” he starts. Later, he adds, “My second day starts at noon and goes until 6 p.m. That’s day two. And then the next day is 6 p.m. to midnight.”


Having this absolutely insane and wholly incorrect notion about time gives him a leg-up that other people can’t comprehend, he says. “What I’ve done now is that I’ve changed and manipulated time. I now get 21 days a week. Stack it up over a month, I’m going to kick your butt,” he vows. “Stack it up over a year, you’re toast. Stack it up over 5 years, my entire life is different than it would have been otherwise.”



Jesus, man, what did I ever do to you? But really, my question is, why stop at three days? If you’re going to change the laws of nature to make grindset Time Cube, you might as well kick it into high gear.


For example, my first day starts at 6 a.m. I then have a new day every hour until 10 p.m., at which point I fall asleep. I now have a terrifying 112 days a week. Stack it up over a month, I want to die. Stack it up over a year, my body has aged several decades. Stack it up over five years, I have reached enlightenment and am no longer tied to my corporeal being.



Until I return to my physical body, I’ll be heeding the call of my grindset mentors by doing everything they tell me to: getting loans I can’t afford and doing credit card fraud, all for that sweet, sweet dream of having an all-male yacht party. Things just can’t get better than this.