For generations, sports have been held back by one thing: the health and safety of the athletes.


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Yes, we all know how satisfying it would be to see a juiced-up shot-putter throw their ball straight to the moon, or watch a soccer player kick the ball so hard it takes a goalie’s head off, but we all know that’s not okay. It simply wouldn’t be right to allow players to ruin their hearts and guts by taking enough Thai testosterone injections to make their balls explode.


But, hear me out, what if we did it anyway?



That’s the thinking behind a new game being proposed by lawyer Aron D’Souza. According to the New York Post, “The competition will feature five events — swimming, gymnastics, weightlifting, track and field and combat,” and athletes will be allowed “to use whatever substances they wish ‘out in the open and honestly.’”



Why are they doing this, besides absolutely incredible TV? Per the Post, the idea is “aimed at aiding research into nutritional supplements and biohacks that push the boundaries of human performance.” Essentially, you let people experiment with drugs, you see which ones work, you start pouring those into your Cheerios every morning, and boom, you’re punching the drywall so hard that you’re knocking your house off its foundation.



We only have a vague idea of what this will actually look like. According to the Post, D’Souza claims to have already raised enough money to fund the first games, and more details about the games themselves will be revealed on April 17th.


Additionally, he claims that he’s currently in negotiations with several cities to host the first games, though I can’t imagine which cities are ready to have their name on that list. Honestly, if you’re a small breakaway nation looking for international legitimacy, it might be worth it to burn your constitution for a week and let people dope in your capital — looking at you, Transnistria!



Whenever the games happen, they’ll likely be an ungodly mix of amazing and horrifying. Needless to say, I’ll be watching.